Saturday, October 29, 2011

Transformer Transitioning :: A Minute Reflection

My dearest pal I have ever known gave me a little trinket I have on my piano. It is an aqua blue clothespin upon which there is a ceramic square filled with a vibrant butterfly:  Behold, I make all things new.  Rev. 21:5

It actually reads more like this:  And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." Also he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

Transforming is indeed about making all things new – taking a place, an organization, a family, and turning them around. Transitioning is another matter; a bit more testy, less trustworthy and true.

When one finds oneself having both going on at once, the cacophony is overwhelming – and the loss is felt even more severely.

Who is on the throne?

Just a muse. I have no answer. I only know that tomorrow is the first anniversary of me pops passing and that my mom is quite ill and that I remain unemployed and that my home life, my own life, is nothing more than a shattered shadow.


Ouch.

SJA

Sunday, October 23, 2011

For the Betterment of All



When I spoke of how unemployment will affect YOU, I was really trying to be poetic.

Ha.

Well, this has come to pass in my own funny world.  Even relative strangers are trying to understand my situation (and pulling their hairs out) and relatives, well – they just say “come on over to my house, again, baby.”  I now have friends of the family taking me in for long-term stays. Over the holidays. Uff da.

This is all quite something: my face is pimply and my waistline is not as formed as it might be. Hair ain't right either. Teeth are worse than ever.  I order clothing for interviews – then the clothes do not fit, which is OK since I only do phone interviews; my designer sweat pants work well in such predicaments.

The whole situation is quite terrifying. 

I have never, ever, in some 30 years of work been unemployed this long. At this point, the fact that I can WRITE a cover letter amazes me!  I actually looked at my resume and said – why the hell not!  I might have a consulting gig coming up – does that count?

My IQ is pretty high, around 130, which makes me a retard of Mensa – moderately gifted.  I am not at all convinced that “moderately gifted” will cut it these days.  Might have to be a bit more conniving and lizard-like.  Like the rest of the world that IS employed.

Ick.

Is there a job out there for a hard working, well educated, deeply experienced, not that bad looking, moderately gifted and often charming gay Norwegian male, age 52? 

My AARP membership is in order.   How to bridge the age gap seems to be a topic.  I am not THAT old – plus, I am of a generation that could live to be even older.  In the 16th Century (just pick one), unless you were a meta-grandchild of Eleanor of Aquitaine, you’d be DEADER than a doornail at 52 (we all live too long now).

Check out TIME this week (10/31). I had to crap when I grabbed the damn thing and lost 4 ounces reading it! Take that for what it is worth.

Good God -- horrible, utterly odd and actually, quite fucking strange things happening. However, I am decidedly grateful that others have student loans far beyond the cost of a home in rural America.  

So, I say – Good Morning America.

Have some strong coffee and hope that today is better.



SJA

Sunday, October 16, 2011

The Humbling Part


I have not yet really spoken of the “being humbled” part of the journey. The entire experience of it, the act of it, is quite refreshing.  Humble is a good word, and we all need to be reminded of it:

hum·ble [huhm-buhl, uhm-]  Show IPA adjective, -bler, -blest, verb, -bled, -bling.
adjective
1.
not proud or arrogant; modest: to be humble although successful.
2.
having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservience, etc.: In the presence of so many world-famous writers I felt very humble.
3.
low in rank, importance, status, quality, etc.; lowly: of humble origin; a humble home.
4.
courteously respectful: In my humble opinion you are wrong.
5.
low in height, level, etc.; small in size: a humble member of the galaxy.

Yesterday and today I was reminded of friendship through dear friends who remain even more dear than I recalled – and even several strangers who were kind, generous in fact, with their own sharing.

Humble. Honest. Human.


SJA

Friday, October 14, 2011

Unemployment:: The New Cancer


Dear friends, I do not speak of this title lightly.  I myself have had a cancer scare – anal cancer.  And more biopsies are yet to be taken.  I am OK, I hope, in this regard.

I am NOT OK with being unemployed.  The only metaphor I could come up with at this point, seven months into the disease, is cancer.  

Cancer = Unemployment
Unemployment “pay” = Chemo (cure)
The pay keeps you alive; but you are so tired that you can hardly live. 
And the cure WILL run out...

Suddenly perspectives change. The disease not only takes over one’s own body but it begins to quietly invade the lives of others.  Suddenly, the disease affects all those who do not have the disease and then – there are no caregivers, nobody can really help because everybody has the disease.

They are tired too.

And very sad.

It is a vicious cycle.

I am happy to have my unemployment benefits extended.  Though, I do feel like it is a death row sentence, that I am an outcast and might as well request my last meal.  

OK then, I have not worked to build security, I have worked to WORK.  To build change.  Call me stupid.

The only REAL thing I can grasp is that I am not alone. Those of us in this situation – whether you like us or not, WILL be impeding your life.

Do not stick your head in the sand.  

Knock, knock -- will you be there?


It’s all I have to bring today—
This, and my heart beside—
This, and my heart, and all the fields—
And all the meadows wide—
Be sure you count—should I forget
Some one the sum could tell—
This, and my heart, and all the Bees
Which in the Clover dwell.

-- Emily Dickinson




 SJA




Saturday, October 8, 2011

Time for Funny Girl, Polished Nails ... and Music



did my own nails this evening. Mom is back in hospital. So, why not do my nails (OK fingers, actually -- been a long time since I did my own nails).


I wrote a pal the following -- and had to laugh:


Hi, I will work for you; my name is Sebastian and I am really fantastic — but I may need to leave in a week to see my family — my Mom is sick: and by the way, I am looking for a real match, so should I work for you, do not be that surprised if I leave in three months, or end our contract abruptly.  I have no time for your shit.  But I can produce great work in a week.  The fee: $5,000 (40 hours @ $125 an hour).  Listen to me, and that will turn into $25,000 + within three months.


Funny
Did you hear that

Funny
Yeah, the guy said honey

You're a funny girl
That's me I just keep them
In stitches doubled in half
And though I may be all wrong for the guy
I'm good for a laugh
I guess it's not funny
Life is far from sunny
When the laugh is over
And the jokes on you
A girl ought to have a sense of humor
That's one thing you really need for sure
When you're a funny girl
A fellow said a funny girl
Funny, how it ain't so funny
Funny girl... 



Bob Merrill (lyrics) and Jule Styne (music). Nails by Veronica. Hands are my own.
As performed by Barbra Streisand: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWWGgWk5PYQ


SJA

Friday, October 7, 2011

Today Gutsy Questions Emerge

I am considering picking up my bags and moving back to Wisconsin – with or without a job.

This is a rather risky proposition in a number of ways. The risk, as risk is, arises from practicalities.  Money, gainful employment, health insurance, the terror of relocation, loss vs. gain, a vision in one’s mind vs. what the reality might be.

But where is the soul in all this – and hope, and belief in one’s self to accept the risk, the challenge, and best of all, the adventure?

Your dear Sebastian has been pondering all this, and at the same time, attempting to give “fair warning” to himself regarding other possibilities here in the Pacific Northwest.  Questions emerge and bubble about each and every moment:

  • What do you feel dear man?
  • Where do you want to be two years, three years, an eternity from now?
  • What if… (a game we all play, and it is a dangerous one)
  •  Can you TRULY release it all?  Fully let go?
  •  How does your ego play into this?  Or, as I have asked others and myself  about life in general, when is the game over?
  •  Have I stayed too long at the fair? Which fair?
  •  Who might I trust? Do I need new faces?
  •  Who are the ghosts?  Am I the ghost?
  •  Do I have the courage to REALLY explore?

On and on, the questions haunt me; yet, I am acting.  I am doing.

Today another headhunter asked me fill out a form; a form that requires me to explain every detail of every detail of every experience I have ever had in the world of nonprofit management.

Today my vacuum cleaner ate a rug. Today a dear friend came over, had a couple beers and fixed sinks. Today I played piano. Today I rubbed the sore feet of someone who works really hard. Today I woke up so anxious that I truly did not know what to do. But, today I got up, put my shoes on and went forth. 

As the mysterious cloudy glow of one of those Seattle days you don’t see pictures of in tourist books moved forward, my thoughts started to jell. 

However, right now, today's evening, I feel this glorious Mahler song. 
Where will I be able to sing it? Or am I singing it now?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTqbTP5qy7k
I am lost to the world
with which I used to waste so much time,
It has heard nothing from me for so long
that it may very well believe that I am dead
!

It is of no consequence to me
Whether it thinks me dead;
I cannot deny it,
for I really am dead to the world.

I am dead to the world’s tumult,
And I rest in a quiet realm!
I live alone in my heaven,
In my love and in my song!
SJA 

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Soup in the Big Thing :: Quenching Root Beer Longings


Here's another from the Files of Heart. Truman Capote was a master at reissuing and reframing his writing in various formats. And always, one found something new -- something that had been missed in previous readings.  Take a look at his The Dog's Bark: Public People and Private Places and you'll know what I mean. 

Here's a reissued story of mine about family, friends, life's surprises, aging and the joy one finds in simple adventures; a combination actually of time in the Midwest and the Pacific Northwest, with my dear Auntie playing a huge role in little Jimmy's adventures.  

New ruminations are ruminating and will be posted as soon as they jell. Like Jimmy's mind, my mind has been in a flutter and a "state of doze."  

For now, enjoy SOUP IN THE BIG THING.  

SJA




_____________________________



Sometimes it’s best to sip life slowly -- like a root beer float that’s almost melted.  At least that’s what Jimmy was thinking on this hot, midwestern afternoon.  Having just finished picking blackberries with his Auntie and aging neighbors, Ed and Vera, this moment of relaxation was being savored by all.

Ah, the root beer stand -- proudly erected just weeks ago in bright orange, announcing a new retro gathering place for the people of his small, rural domicile.  Other neighbors and acquaintances were gathered there that day: farmers and merchants, lawyers and doctors, even the mayor and his cabinet were enjoying a special session recess!  All slurpin’ down the ice-cold root beer ... sharing a rare moment of community.

“Such an interesting thing,” thought Jimmy.  “Everybody seems to get along at the root beer stand.  I wonder why that is?”

What surprised Jimmy most was Ed and Vera.  They were acting more like kids in the back seat than he was.  Like a little prince from some far away country, somewhat chubby but ever aware, Jimmy sat in the front seat surveying the crowd through his owlish glasses.  He was quite wise for being ten.  Ed and Vera were being silly.  And they were close to being ten times Jimmy’s age.

“Why do adults get like that?” Jimmy pondered.  He drew the almost final sip from his still frosty mug and mused some more.  Although wise for his years and reflective by nature, Jimmy was quite naive when it came to human development.  At times like these he’d often turn to his Auntie for suggestions.  While the ancient ones cackled with joy in the back seat, Jimmy asked some vital questions:  “What in the heck is happening here, Auntie?  Why are people one way, and then suddenly another?”

Auntie grabbed a handful of blackberries, popped them into her mouth, let out a sigh of pleasure, and spoke. 
  
“Ed and Vera haven’t picked blackberries in twenty years, Jimmy.  And it has been even longer since they’ve sat at a root beer stand slurpin’ up the froth.  Sometimes old people just seem old.  When you get to be old, you’ll understand.  Everyone is a kid at heart, always seeking the simple things in life.  You know, something that will bring them back to center -- something that will make them feel real again.  As real as a root beer float.”

“Auntie, I need another root beer.  And you need to be a bit more clear with your almost metaphors.”

“OK, Jimmy.  Get your nose out of that book and look into the car next to us.”

Well, the activity in the car next door was quite a sight.  Four root beers stood steaming in the sun.  They hadn’t even been removed from the window tray.  In the front seat, the adults were both yapping on their cell phones, calendars in hand.  In the back seat the two kids were equally engaged in technological wizardry.  One was engrossed in his lap top computer games.  The other was zoned out, ear-phoned and visibly mouthing Madonna words with her portable CD player in hand.

“Not so simple,” thought Jimmy.  “And so many distracting things, all somewhat out of place.” 

Just then the carhop came by and Auntie ordered up another round for her party.  This time super mugs, with extra ice cream.  Jimmy sat back and reflected on the joy of his day, taking in the memories like his last sip of commingled beer and cream.

***

“Today we’re having an adventure,” announced Auntie.  “Let’s jump in the car and go-go-go!”

Ed and Vera were standing at the corner, wildly dressed in blackberry picking garb.  The conversation was animated and filled with chuckles as the foursome drove to The Cobbler for breakfast.  The townsfolk, including many of those soon to be at the root beer stand, were gathered here too.  After enjoying a hearty meal, the group of pickers piled in and drove off into the sunrise.

First stop, The Red Mill -- to take in the last drop of morning coolness by the stream and recall the turns of a once sage-like water wheel.   From there, the winding country roads led the anxious pickers to their berried destination.  But not without stops to pick cattails and wild flowers for an Auntie floral creation.  There were creatures to see as well:  deer, rabbits, squirrels, and birds -- all enjoying another day of free, spirited roaming.  Finally, the berry patch -- a secret place known only to those in the family’s inner circle.  Buckets in hand, and hand in hand, the laughing quartet entered the thorny maze.

Unlike raspberries, blackberries dictate a bit more picking skill.  Patience is paramount; and dodging the guardian thorns of deliciousness a challenge.  Each berry must be plucked, ever so delicately from the twisted, tall, stalk-like berry bearers.  After some four hours, the trunk was overflowing with the glistening reddish-black jewels of conquest.  Of course, Auntie called a recess for a picnic lunch of tuna fish sandwiches, potato salad, and sun-brewed ice tea.  During lunch, Ed and Vera reminisced -- talking to the breeze about their courtship, marriage, family, and travels.  Auntie and Jimmy munched up berries and gleefully listened. 

At the peak of the heat, the job was complete.  The strangely possessed entourage returned to town -- panting, but happy.  Almost in unison, when the orange beacon came into sight, they cried out, “ROOT BEER!”

***

“Now what’s going on in that overactive mind of yours?” queried Auntie.

Jimmy hesitated a moment and shouted, “SOUP IN THE BIG THING!”

You see, Auntie is a bone nurse, and loves to dig around in joints and marrow.  When called to the ER, a mad-scientist-like-glaze enlivens her eyes.  Work and art congeal for her in the operating room.  But her life springs forth from simple daily doings.  Philosophy plays a role in the connections, but Jimmy’s recent uttering triggered a disjointed look of puzzlement on her regal face.

“Now, what exactly are you trying to conjure?” she wisped, while bending a straw into sculptured doodles.

“Remember those times when some friends of yours made homemade soup?” Jimmy asked.  “I was much younger then, so I don’t recall all the details.  However, I distinctly remember two special occasions.  One was the day after Christmas -- a holiday soup creation with noodle stars and trees.  The other was around my birthday -- a rich chicken and dumpling extravaganza.  Whoever those two fellows were, they sure knew how to cook.  I remember digging around in your cupboards looking for Grandma’s soup pot.  Why, that big thing makes enough soup for an army of Thanksgiv’n family-member leftovers she’d say. Anyway, so, Soup in the Big Thing.  Get it?”

“Sure makes sense to us,” quipped Ed and Vera in unison.  “Traditions, celebrations, enchanted cooking utensils, family and friends ... almost reminds us of today.”

By this time, the car next door was gone.  Drove right off with the window tray and root beer mugs, they did!  Not even blinking an eye.  Most everyone else had hurried off too.  Only so much time available for comradery and joy -- even on a Saturday afternoon. 

Just sitting at a root beer stand seemed exciting enough for Auntie, Jimmy, Ed and Vera -- an unlikely gathering of years, tears, and cheer.  The now quite root beered four remained steadfast as the discussion drifted in new directions. 

“I’m not feeling thirsty at the moment,” noted Auntie.  “And I’m not sure this has anything to do with my quenched root beer longings.”

“Probably not,” stated Vera, “because life is the real Big Thing.  Whether you’re sipping up ice cream from the bottom of a mug or slurpin’ up warm noodles from the bowl, the thirst we all have is a thirst for living.  It’s quite simple, you see.  Today we tasted life.”

“Think about it,” commented Ed.  “They’re even building root beer stands again!  Too bad those people in that other car don’t know the difference.  Always so busy -- everybody is always so darn busy these days.”

Things.  Soup.  Gathering places and gatherings.  Jimmy’s mind was a flutter as he dozed off and Auntie drove Ed and Vera home.

*****