Today Gutsy Questions Emerge

I am considering picking up my bags and moving back to Wisconsin – with or without a job.

This is a rather risky proposition in a number of ways. The risk, as risk is, arises from practicalities.  Money, gainful employment, health insurance, the terror of relocation, loss vs. gain, a vision in one’s mind vs. what the reality might be.

But where is the soul in all this – and hope, and belief in one’s self to accept the risk, the challenge, and best of all, the adventure?

Your dear Sebastian has been pondering all this, and at the same time, attempting to give “fair warning” to himself regarding other possibilities here in the Pacific Northwest.  Questions emerge and bubble about each and every moment:

• What do you feel dear man?
• Where do you want to be two years, three years, an eternity from now?
• What if… (a game we all play, and it is a dangerous one)
•  Can you TRULY release it all?  Fully let go?
•  How does your ego play into this?  Or, as I have asked others and myself  about life in general, when is the game over?
•  Have I stayed too long at the fair? Which fair?
•  Who might I trust? Do I need new faces?
•  Who are the ghosts?  Am I the ghost?
•  Do I have the courage to REALLY explore?

On and on, the questions haunt me; yet, I am acting.  I am doing.

Today another headhunter asked me fill out a form; a form that requires me to explain every detail of every detail of every experience I have ever had in the world of nonprofit management.

Today my vacuum cleaner ate a rug. Today a dear friend came over, had a couple beers and fixed sinks. Today I played piano. Today I rubbed the sore feet of someone who works really hard. Today I woke up so anxious that I truly did not know what to do. But, today I got up, put my shoes on and went forth. 

As the mysterious cloudy glow of one of those Seattle days you don’t see pictures of in tourist books moved forward, my thoughts started to jell. 

However, right now, today's evening, I feel this glorious Mahler song. 
Where will I be able to sing it? Or am I singing it now?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTqbTP5qy7k

I am lost to the world
with which I used to waste so much time,
It has heard nothing from me for so long
that it may very well believe that I am dead!

It is of no consequence to me
Whether it thinks me dead;
I cannot deny it,
for I really am dead to the world.

I am dead to the world’s tumult,
And I rest in a quiet realm!
I live alone in my heaven,
In my love and in my song!

SJA